The Speed Racer Journals
by Dragonfly-Moonlight
Summary: self explanatory.
1. Entry 1

Date: 12-25-2009

Well, this is something new for me. I've never had or kept a journal or diary before. Of course, I've never had a journal or a diary to keep so it's a definite first. I wonder what possessed my aunt to get me one of these. Ah well. I think it's a groovy gift. I just gotta make sure it stays out of Spritle's hands.

I'm not entirely sure as to what I should write in this. I really don't have any deep, dark secrets to write about. Maybe this isn't such a good thing, after all . . .

I better get going. I hear Mom calling.

Speed


	2. Entry 2

Date: 12-26-2009

Christmas has once again come and gone, though Pops won't take down the decorations until after the first of the year. We have plenty of leftovers, despite Spritle and Chim Chim's raids on the fridge. Some things will never change.

Everyone's asleep now so I can write without being interrupted. What to write about, I don't know . . . Guess I'll just have to see where it takes me . . .

It's been ten years since Rex left us . . . I don't know why but I think about him a lot, especially around this time of year. Strangely enough, despite his leaving, our Christmas celebration hasn't changed much. It did at first, because all of the presents under the tree were for me until Spritle came along. After he came along, it kind of went back to the way it was before. It's still changed, though not as noticeably as before. But I know Mom and Pops miss him a lot. Hell, I miss him. Especially around this time of year. I think it's sad that Spritle doesn't know Rex. To him, Rex is a name, an older brother that's more like a myth than an actual person. Sometimes I find myself wondering what he would like now, how things would be different if he hadn't run off, but, mostly, I find that I can barely remember the sound of his voice. And that hurts me more than when he first took off.

There's a full moon out tonight. No clouds. It practically illuminates the outdoors. I wish it could illuminate the mystery that's in my life. Where in the world is Rex Racer. Sounds like that TV show, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. We may never know.

It's getting late and I promised Trixie I'd spend the day with her. At least with her, things never change.

Until the next time . . .

Speed


	3. Entry 3

Date: 12-27-2009

I have to say writing in this journal is interesting. I'll have to thank my aunt for this gift.

It's nighttime again and everyone's gone to bed. I don't know why I'm still awake. The racing season hasn't even started and won't again until February. I just . . . I just can't sleep. Oh well.

I'm not even sure as to where to begin right now . . . Not much has happened. I mean, Trixie and Sparky came by, as they always do . . . We hung out in the garage for a while, had lunch at one of the local diners . . . a typical day for me, really. What was strange was we ran into Racer X as we left the diner . . . He was looking for me but wouldn't tell me why. It was like he wanted to make sure that I was all right or something. I can't say for sure.

I feel so tired . . . Maybe I should just put the pen down and try to get some sleep. I don't think I could write straight anymore anyway . . .

Speed


	4. Entry 4

Date: 12-28-2009

I'm going to attempt to write in this everyday . . . even though right this moment I don't feel up to writing. My head aches and the light from the lamp is hurting my eyes. But I feel that I should make the effort.

Racer X stopped by today. Again, I don't know why he did. It really isn't like he's family or anything. He does remind me a lot of Rex, with his constant advice and checking in on me, but that's usually only when there's trouble. Rex . . . he was always there, trouble or no trouble. I could tell him anything.

I'm rambling again. I really should learn how to stop that but I really can't help it. I miss my brother and Racer X _does_ remind me of him. I wonder why Racer X feels he needs to keep his identity a secret from everyone. Is he a fugitive? Or is he hiding from some woman who wants to marry him? I just don't get it.

I can't keep my eyes open and the light is really bothering me. I'll have to write more later.

– Speed


	5. Entry 5

Date: 12-29-2009

Now I know why girls like to keep a diary. If something goes wrong and it doesn't seem like anyone's listening, it's a great way to relieve some stress . . .

The trick is where to begin . . . Too much has happened today. Racer X showed up, _again_, with the excuse of "checking to see how I'm doing." What is his deal anyway? I'm not going to be some pet project for him! I can't recall how many times he's told me that I should just quit a race while I still could because it would be too dangerous! And I'm sure he knows that it's annoyed me and made me all the more determined _to_ continue a race simply because he said I shouldn't. He should know by now I'm not his to order around. And I'm not going to stand around and let him come and go as he pleases. Trixie thinks I'm being a bit too harsh on him but I can't help it. I get tired of this game with him. And it has to be a game to him. Otherwise, why would he bother? I don't mean anything to him. Do I?

I need to put my pen down . . . my head's still pounding and it's warm. Very warm. Odd, considering it's December . . .

– Speed


	6. Entry 6

Date: 12-30-2009

I can't this year is almost at an end and that a new one's upon us. Rather amazing at how quickly time just seems to fly by . . .

Not much really happened today . . . Of course, I haven't gone anywhere . . . just into the kitchen or the bathroom then back to my room. My throat keeps bothering me and my head's still pounding. I just hope I'm not coming down with something. That would be a rotten way to bring in the new year.

Maybe if I just sleep it off, I'll be okay . . .

– Speed


	7. Entry 7

Date: 12-31-2009

Today is not a good day . . . Can't keep anything down . . . Ache all over . . .

I think I hear Racer X downstairs. Oh god, I hope he doesn't come up here. He's the last person I want to see right now . . . That sounds like him with Mom right now . . . today just isn't turning out to be my day . . .

– Speed


	8. Entry 8

Date: 01-01-2010

Happy New Year . . .

Now I'm going to crawl back into bed and wait for this headache to disappear.

– Speed


	9. Entry 9

Date: 01-02-2010

Trying my best to keep up in this journal, though I really don't feel like writing.

Feeling a bit better than what I have been but not as good as I should be. Mom's threatening to take me to the doctor, even though I've told her repeatedly that I'm fine. But it'll only last for a while before she pulls one of her I'm-the-mother-and-I'm-worried-about-you-so-we're-going-to-the-doctor-whether-you-like-it-or-not speeches. She really doesn't believe me, though, when I tell her I'll be all right. Says I'm pale and I've got dark circles under my eyes . . . I really can't argue with her on that point . . . I do look terrible. But, as long as I get some rest and drink plenty of fluids, I'll be all right. That's the way it has been, that's the way it'll always be.

I haven't seen Racer X at all today. In a way, I'm kind of disappointed that he hasn't shown up. But I'm also glad. I'm not his little brother so I don't see why he's fretting over me. I don't mind him checking up on me every now and then but every day is a bit ridiculous. I wonder what he'll do when Rex comes home . . .

And I can't keep my eyes open any longer. I need to sleep . . .

– Speed


	10. Entry 10

Date: 01-03-2010

Mom's threatening to take me to the doctor already. Said she even made the appointment. And she hasn't even pulled I'm-the-mother stint, either. I told her she's worrying over nothing but . . . I can't convince her otherwise. It's a done deal, this doctor's appointment. I just wish she'd ease up some. She's almost as bad as Pops. I love her and I appreciate her worrying over me but sometimes I think she and Pops overdo it. I wonder if it has anything to do with Rex leaving home . . . I don't know.

And here she comes, probably with some more soup and juice . . . More later.

– Speed


	11. Entry 11

Date: 01-07-2010

So much for trying to write in this everyday . . . but I don't think I could have helped it. I just feel so exhausted, and all I want to do is sleep. I'm kind of surprised that I'm even awake enough to write in this. Maybe I should let Mom take me to the doctor . . . I've never been sick like this before or for this long . . . I just wish my throat didn't feel so sore . . .


	12. Entry 12

Date: 01-10-2010

I wish I would just die . . . I hurt so bad . . . it hurts to even have the lights on. I can't eat, can't even sleep much . . . everything is making me sick. I can't take it anymore. Please, God, just let this end. Let me die or something. Please.


	13. Entry 13

Date: 02-10-2010

Hey, the date matches! Hehehe.

Feeling a little better than what I have in a little over a month. Of course, I'm still in the hospital. The doctor's insisting . . . says I got dehydrated too quickly before Mom and Pops brought me here, and that was a month ago as well . . . He wants to run some tests of some kind. Looks like I'll be missing the first part of the racing season, but I guess it can't be helped. I know I'm not in any condition to be racing right now anyway.

Not much else is going on. Trixie and Sparky have been visiting me everyday. Mom hardly leaves my side . . . She only goes home to fix Pops and Spritle supper then she's back. She'd probably sleep here if Pops and Spritle weren't so lost without her in the mornings.

What surprises me is the fact that Racer X has been here everyday as well. I thought for sure he'd be more interested in getting ready for the upcoming season than coming to visit me. Maybe he really does care . . . by why? That's the question I keep asking myself. I probably should stop, though. It's going to drive me crazy if I keep it up.

Sounds like the nurse is here. More later.

— Speed


	14. Entry 14

Date: 02-11-2010

I hate being here. I really do. I don't think I've ever had so many tests run before my entire my life, even when I raced the GRX! Guess it can't be helped, though. The doctor said he still doesn't know what's wrong with me, and is talking about some more testing. An MRI or something. I'm not sure.

I still feel exhausted and thirsty all the time but it _is_ going away. I'm able to stay awake longer and not have the lights bother me quite as bad.

I actually had a surprise visitor earlier today, someone I wouldn't have expected to come see me in a million years . . . Kim Jugger. Said he heard that I was in the hospital and wanted to see me. Not sure why, though. We may have parted on somewhat good terms but we didn't start things off on the right foot . . . It was actually kind of nice to see him. And he wasn't gloating over me or anything. He seemed rather . . . sorry to see me. Of course, I probably still look horrid. I've lost a lot of weight. I know that much. Death warmed over.

Anyway, it sounds like they're serving supper . . . not really hungry, though. But they want me to try and eat _something_. Guess I can give it a try . . .

Speed


	15. Entry 15

Date: 02-12-2010

Still more tests today . . . I don't get it. What is so wrong with me that they have to keep running these tests? If it weren't for the fact that my legs still feel a bit like jell-o, I'd get up and leave, after I tell them where to stick their tests.

Kim came to pay me another visit today. He came around lunchtime, same as Racer X. It was kind of nice, too, though Racer X is still acting strange. And I think it surprised him to see Kim here. The first thing he did was ask Kim what he was doing here. He was just so defensive . . . like he thought Kim was here to gloat over me or something . . . or hurt me. I just don't get Racer X sometimes.

Mom, Pops, Trixie, Sparky, and Spritle came to visit me today . . . Mom even brought me something to eat. A hot bowl of chicken noodle soup and jell-o . . . I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm getting sick of both . . . That's all the hospital staff is feeding me. I can't keep anything else down. Guess I can't complain . . . it's better than having an I.V. in my hand again, though I've been told I may end up having one put back in _anyway_. Doctor told me I was still too dehydrated, hence the weakness and sleepiness that I've been feeling.

Kim said something to me today, while Racer X had stepped out of the room and just before my family came to see me, and it has me wondering about something. He said something about Racer X acting like an older brother to me, even thought he saw a bit of a resemblance between us. Then he asked me if we _were_ brothers. I told him 'no' but now that I think about it . . . I'm not so sure anymore. I can't help but think of the first time he entered my life.

We'd had a race, late at night and during a storm . . . something had happened. What, I'm not entirely sure. I know I'd barely managed to maintain control over the Mach 5 then coming to a stop. Then I was waking up in Racer X's home.

He had white roses in his house. I remember that and remember thinking that they were Mom's favourite. To this day, that is still very clear to me. I kept looking around some when I saw the mask . . . I was going to surprise him while he was in the shower and find out who he really was when someone hit me in the head from behind. It had been the Alpha team, trying to keep Racer X out of the race. They thought that I had been him.

It can't be a coincidence . . . they shouldn't have mistaken me for Racer X . . . not unless there _is_ some sort of connection between the two of us . . .

I can't keep this up. My head's starting to hurt again . . . damn lights.

Speed


	16. Entry 16

Date: 02-12-2010

This has got to be one of the worst days of my life. I mean, one of the absolute worst days. The test results have come in and the doctors . . . they're saying it doesn't look good . . . that I don't have much time left . . .

It has to be a dream . . . it just has to be . . . there's no way . . .

There's no way that I have cancer . . .


	17. Entry 17

Date: 02-13-2010

I don't feel like writing today. Everything's a mess. Just one huge mess and I hate it.

I really, really hate it.


	18. Entry 18

Date: 02-14-2010

I don't want to be here. Not today . . . not when I know what I could be doing . . . what I _should_ be doing.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah. Right.

There's nothing "happy" about it. I'm stuck in the hospital, waiting for the doctor to come in and discuss treatment options for me. But he says I have a very good chance at beating this. He hasn't given me a timetable for how long I have to live. That's a good sign . . . I guess.

Sounds like lunch is here . . . I'm not looking forward to this. Not at all. I just want to go home.


	19. Entry 19

Date: 02-15-2010

Well, I have some good news. I'm going to be going home within the next few days. The doctors are very optimistic about me beating this. That's a good sign.

I can't believe how much Mom has cried since we were given the news. She hasn't done it in front of me but I know that she has. I can see it in her eyes. I just wish there was something I could do to ease her pain . . . and for Pops, too. Everyone's just trying to be strong and supportive right now . . . it's a bit stifling but I can't blame them. It's hard news to take.

Racing this season is out of the question. I'm not going to have the strength to be on the field or to be traveling. The doctors are talking about chemotherapy, saying it's the best option for me right now . . . and that has some nasty side effects. I remember when Aunt Sam had cancer and went through chemo. She was constantly tired and didn't eat much. I'm not going to be able to race like that.

Next year. I'll be on the track next year.

I hear Pops coming. Sounds like he has the press conference guy with him. Now I get to announce to the world that I won't be racing this season . . . because of what I have.

Cancer.

I'm too young for this . . .

Speed


	20. Entry 20

Date: 02-18-2010

I'm home. I'm finally home. I can sleep in my own bed.

The press conference is tomorrow. I don't see why I should really have to go through with it . . . but then again I do. People are going to wonder what happened to me if I simply stop racing for an entire year.

And, according to Mom, it'll help raise an awareness about what I have, too. It'll say something to those out there who have cancer, something about not giving up hope because it can be beat because I'll be beating mine.

Thank goodness for mothers.

More tomorrow. I'm still exhausted.

Speed


	21. Entry 21

Date: 02-16-2010

Today has been hell. Quite literally hell.

The press conference lasted longer than anyone had intended. I just got back from it and all I want to do is just go back to bed.

Which I'm going to do. I'll write more later, when I'm not so tired.

Speed


	22. Entry 22

Date: 02-20-2010

It's been too long since I've written. Four days, I know but I'm not living up to my goal of writing in this every day. Of course, I've been sicker than a dog the last four days, too. Mom and Pops almost rushed me back to the hospital because I couldn't keep any food in me. I was living off Sprite and crackers. I'm feeling better, though. Tired but better.

I start my first chemo treatment tomorrow. It's what we decided on. We talked about all of the options . . . chemotherapy really was the best option.

I'm really scared about this. I really am. Everyone close to me is rallying around me and just being the best support group ever. Mom, Pops, Trixie, Sparky, Spritle . . . everyone in the family and from my racing team. I just wish Rex was here. I miss him . . . but I also don't want him to see me after I'm done with the chemotherapy. It isn't going to be pretty. Maybe it's a good thing he isn't here anymore . . .

And I think I'm going to turn in early. Tomorrow's going to be a rough day. I'm not looking forward to this.

Speed


	23. Entry 23

Date: 02-21-2010

I . . . I feel so . . . exhausted. My stomach hurts. I just want to sleep and make this feeling go away.

Why me? Why do I have to go through this? Why does anyone have to go through this? It's a joke . . . it's a very cruel joke, one that isn't funny.

Not funny at all.


	24. Entry 24

Date: 02-22-2010

I'm not doing any better today. I really am not. I just wish I would die. Get this over with. I feel like I've been run over by the Mach 5. Repeatedly.

I hear Mom coming . . . I'll write later . . . like when I'm not feeling so lousy.

Later.

Speed


	25. Entry 25

Date: 03-21-2010

Has it really been a month since I last wrote? Sheesh, I've lapsing again.

Not much has really gone on. Chemotherapy's gone on, as usual. The nausea isn't quite so bad anymore. Mom suggested that I drink warm Sprite and some saltines to help settle my stomach. That's helped. The doctor says I've lost weight . . . nothing that I didn't already know. My clothes don't even fit me right now. I can get away with my shirts but my pants . . . no way. It isn't happening. Kind of shocked everyone when they'd seen me.

But I think the biggest shock came when they saw what happened to my hair . . . Yep. That's right. I have no hair, thanks to the chemo. Speed Racer, my friends, is completely bald. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw their expressions, especially Racer X's. Even through the mask, I could tell that he was surprised.

Things are getting better, though. I still have the cancer but most of the bad cells are being destroyed by the chemo. I'm feeling better than what I have in months, ever since I was told the news, and I have more of an appetite. Mom's happy about that. She was quite worried there for a while. Can't say that I blame her, though. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. Not at all.

Smells like lunch. More at another time.

Speed


	26. Entry 26

Date: 03-23-2010

Skipped a day. Oh well. Can't fuss over writing in this every day. Felt somewhat lousy yesterday anyways.

Had a surprise visitor yesterday. Kim came to see me, surprising me once more. I didn't think he was in the country. Last I'd heard, he was back in Flathill country, helping General Abdul Noble. Not that he'd tell me anything about it. He's quite secretive about stuff like that.

He's doing well, though. Told me that he's engaged to a very nice girl from his country. That's why he came to see me. He wants me to be there for the ceremony, if I'm well enough to go. I told him that I'd do my best to be there. We may not see things eye to eye but he is an excellent driver. A bit crazy but an excellent driver nonetheless.

And it sounds like I have a visitor today . . . Racer X, from the sounds of it. What does he want _this_ time?


	27. Entry 27

Date: 03-24-2010

I'm exhausted . . . and I don't know why. I went to bed early and woke up late. Maybe it's because I got so much sleep. Or maybe I didn't sleep worth a damn last night. I don't know.

My visit with Racer X yesterday was . . . pointless. He just came to see how I was doing then he left, like he was dissatisfied with what he was seeing. I know I've lost a lot of weight since I first got sick but I can't help it. I don't want to eat anything. As much as I love my mother's cooking, the thought of anything but Sprite and crackers is nauseating.

I'm getting to where I don't want Racer X coming around anymore. Yes, he's like an older brother to me but right now . . . I don't need a friend. I need my older brother. This is tearing me apart. I want to look for Rex . . . but I can't. I'm stuck. Because of the chemo.

I think I'm going to try and take a nap. I know where my thoughts are heading and it's only going to give me a headache if I continue.

Maybe I'll be able to keep my dinner down, too.

Yeah. Right.

Speed


	28. Entry 28

Date: 03-25-2010

Went to and got another chemo treatment today . . .

I feel like shit.


	29. Entry 29

Date: 03-29-2010

Keeping up with this is going to be harder than I thought. Especially with what's been going on.

Last few days have been somewhat busy. We've had family over to visit and they keeping gushing over me. It's been a little annoying . . . but I know that they're just worried about me. And I know what they're thinking, too. I'm too _young_ to have cancer and to be going through chemotherapy. I should be out there, living my life and having fun with my friends.

Believe me, once I've beaten this thing, that's exactly what I intend to do.


	30. Entry 30

Date: 04-01-2010

Won the lottery today. Rex came home. Spritle's promised not to sneak away in the Mach 5 anymore. And I don't have cancer. It was a misdiagnosis.

Ha! Yeah, I wish.

April Fool's to me.


	31. Entry 31

Date: 04-02-2010

Ever since Christmas, there's been something about Racer X that's been bugging me. Something that I haven't been able to figure out.

Of course, there's always been something about Racer X that's always bugged me. Like how he's shown up just in time to save me from danger, just like Rex would. Then there's the fact that the Alpha racing team, after I'd put on his mask, thought _I_ was Racer X.

Now I've always heard stories about how some people have a twin out there that they don't even know about and they're not even related. I think it's a belief or something. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I got to thinking about that belief and the fact that I'd been mistaken for Racer X. As far as I know, Racer X and I aren't related . . . and it should be obvious, even with a mask on . . . so why did the Alpha team mistake me for Racer X after I'd put the mask on?

I think I'm going to try something . . . see if I can't get to the bottom of this.

More later.


	32. Entry 32

Date: 04-03-2010

Getting started to try my experiment. Still don't have everything I want. There are still more boxes in the basement to go through.

At least I have _something _to keep me from going insane, even though I'm too damned exhausted to really do much.

I will not be weak. I will not be.


	33. Entry 33

Date: 04-04-2010

Finally got all of the pictures of Rex from their boxes. I don't know why Pops took them and shoved them away. Must still not be happy about the fact that Rex left. And that it was for something really stupid.

Speaking of Pops, he's changed ever since the doctors told us about my cancer. He doesn't blow a gasket as much anymore and he treats me like I'm delicate or something. I thought he'd actually lose it when I started looking for the pictures of Rex and nearly did it himself. I'm not that much of an invalid. It was interesting, though, going over the old pictures with him. We actually talked about the things we'd done as a family . . . before Rex left and after. It was . . . nice.

Now to get started on what I want to do. I'm not that good of an artist but I'll do my best.

Here goes nothing.


	34. Entry 34

Date: 04-05-2010

My hand hurts. Haven't drawn this much since I was five. Of course, I haven't written this much since high school, either. I've had so much fun doing this and it's only been the second day into my little research project.

What am I going to do with myself?


	35. Entry 35

Date: 04-07-2010

Spent the last few days working on my sketching and what I think Rex might look like now. It's given me something to keep my mind off the fact that I've wanted to puke and that I'm not hungry.

I'm actually heading out tonight. Sparky and Trixie got some concert tickets to some new band and they want me to join them. Get me out of the house for a little while. Pops wasn't about to let me . . . until I promised that I'd call him or Mom if anything happened. So I have to make sure to take my brand new cell phone with me.

Anything to ease my parents' worries.


	36. Entry 36

Date: 04-08-2010

I shouldn't have gone out last night. I'm paying for it now. My stomach keeps flip-flopping on me. Can't even concentrate on my drawings.

But I had fun. Boy, did I have fun. Been a long time, seems like, since I've been able to enjoy myself.

I hear Mom coming up the stairs. Probably has some soup or something. She always seems to know what will help settle sick stomachs. Moms are funny that way.


	37. Entry 37

Date: 04-12-2010

Not much has happened around here lately. Same old, same old. Went to chemo, got sick all over again, and kept myself busy with my drawings. Get to go to the doctor today, to see how things are progressing with the tumors.

Have I said how much I hate being sick?


	38. Entry 38

Date: 04-13-2010

My cancer . . . has started to go into remission . . .

I've beaten this . . . I have . . . I'm . . . not even sure what I can say about this. It's . . . overwhelming.

So why do I still feel sick?


	39. Entry 39

Date: 04-20-2010

My project's come along rather nicely. Of course, I had to hide everything yesterday. Racer X came over for another visit. I don't want him to see what I'm doing. The last thing I want, if what I believe to be is true, is for him to disappear.

If it isn't true, though . . . I don't know what I'll do. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Time to get back to drawing. I'm almost done, too. I should be able to do my comparisons within the next day or so. Here's hoping.


	40. Entry 40

Date: 04-21-2010

I can't write . . . my hand's shaking too bad. I'll have to try again later . . . if I can.

I have some . . . news, though.

More later.


	41. Entry 41

Date: 04-21-20102

Things are a little better today. Not much but a little bit. My hands aren't shaking as bad anymore. Turns out my blood sugar had dropped severely yesterday. Not because I'm a diabetic or anything – they ran some tests to be sure – but because I haven't been eating much of anything. Sparky's joked that I look like death warmed over . . . but never in front of Mom or Pops. Can't say that I blame him or them. He's stating a fact and they don't want to even think about what would happen if they lost me. It wouldn't be like when Rex had left home. I know this. Me dying would be definite, permanent . . . I'd never be returning whereas with Rex there's always that slim chance.

For some reason . . . the thought of me dying isn't as disturbing as I'd once thought it to be. I mean, we all have to die sometime . . . it's just the way things are. The only thing that bothers me about dying is the thought of never seeing my brother again before I do.

At least . . . it did.

I know the truth now. He may try to hide it but I know the truth about Racer X. I know why he's acted the way that he has.

Racer X . . . is Rex.


	42. Entry 42

Date: 04-22-2010

I'm still reeling from my revelation the other day. I still can't believe it. I mean, I can . . . but I can't. I'm not even sure on what I should do about this. Do I say something? Do I keep quiet about what I know?

On the one hand, if I don't say anything, he'll probably still come around. He'll still be a part of my life. I can't say that if I confront him with what I know.

This is driving me crazy . . . and giving me a headache. I need to lay down. I don't feel good.


	43. Entry 43

Date: 04-23-2010

I still haven't decided on what I'm going to do about knowing Racer X's true identity. I just don't.

I think I'll go for a drive . . . if Pops will let me have the keys.


	44. Entry 44

Date: 04-25-2010

It's official. I am in remission. The cancer is going away.

As a way to celebrate, my parents are planning a big meal. Well, Mom's planning it. And she's inviting Sparky, Trixie, and Racer X. He made it rather easy for her by showing up to check on me.

I wasn't ready to see him. I did my best to be nonchalant and not look at him . . . but I think he knows that there's something wrong. He'll be asking me about it the next time he sees me. Or later today. Whichever gives him a moment to get me alone.

Why do things like this have to be so difficult?


	45. Entry 45

Date: 04-30-2010

I've made my decision.

I'm not going to confront Racer X on his identity.

Wasn't an easy decision to make . . . but it's up to him to tell me, to tell us, who he really is. Not mine.

Life sucks.


	46. Entry 46

Date: 05-03-2010

Went to a race the other day. Still feels strange to be sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else race.

I wish I could have been out there. I don't like being on the sidelines. Not for as long as I have been. I want to be out there, racing. At least when I'm racing, I don't feel so worthless.

A few more treatments and I'll be completely in remission. Then I can go back to having a life.

I can't wait.


	47. Entry 47

Date: 05-04-2010

Kim stopped by today. Gave me the official invitation to his wedding. Just have to be sure now that I'm able to go. Despite my cancer going into remission, I still feel sick. I constantly feel sick. The doctor says it's normal, especially since chemotherapy isn't exactly a perfect way to treat cancer. Better than radiation and surgery (in some cases) but not perfect. But he's confident I should be back to racing next season. That's all I really care about . . . getting back to normal as much as I can.

Anyway . . . Kim asked me the strangest of questions. Not something I was actually expecting out of him.

He asked me how come I hadn't asked Trixie to marry me.

Good question.

Why haven't I asked Trixie to marry me? I mean, this deal with the cancer has made me realize just how short life truly can be and I don't want to die with any regrets hanging over me. At least . . . not where Trixie is concerned.

Of course, before I pop _that_ question, I should ask Trixie what she thinks about marriage. It isn't exactly something we've talked about. At the time, there were more important things to worry about . . . and now this.

Maybe I should give her a call . . .


	48. Entry 48

Date: 05-05-2010

Well . . . I _tried_ to talk to Trixie yesterday about marriage. She seemed to dodge the subject for some reason.

Then again, it sounded like there was a great deal of people over at her place. She could have been extremely busy.

Oh well. She's coming over today. I'll talk to her once she arrives.

I just hope she doesn't freak out on me.

And it sounds like Spritle's trying to get into my room. He's been clinging to me a lot these past few days . . . like he's afraid I'll disappear. I should find out what's going on with him, too.

More later.


	49. Entry 49

Date: 05-06-2010

I'm exhausted. And it isn't just physical. I can't describe it. I feel like I need to sleep but I know that sleep isn't going to do me any good.

I had two long conversations yesterday. One with Spritle and one with Trixie. The short of everything: Spritle's afraid that I'm going to die in my sleep, even though I don't have the cancer anymore and Trixie seemed . . . calm when we started to talk about marriage. Spent most of my time before Trixie got here reassuring Spritle that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm not sick anymore. I don't think I convinced him, though. At least he's in school right now.

I think I'm going to take a walk and get some fresh air. I need to think and I can't do it here. It's just so . . . stifling right this moment.


	50. Entry 50

Date: 05-07-2010

I found the most interesting place yesterday. It's absolutely interesting.

It's a natural foods store and it also sells herbal supplements. There's also a new age bookstore next door to it. Quite interesting. Herbs and supplements galore. The lady that works in the natural food store told me all about some of the herbal supplements there, the ones that can help with the immune system. I want to talk to my doctor first before I go back and buy them. Make sure that it's safe for me to take herbal supplements with my current medications.

That's another thing I realized about myself right now. I'm a walking medicine cabinet. I have pills for just about everything there is. At least three different pain medications, pills for nausea, pills to help my immune system when I was on chemo, several bottles of vitamins and minerals including iron pills for my blood . . . just a lot of pills for one person.

I think I'm ready to take a vacation from my pills.

Yeah. That sounds nice. Very nice.


	51. Entry 51

Date: 05-08-2010

Quiet day today. Had a lot of time to think about maybe why Trixie was so calm when we were talking about marriage the other day.

Maybe she isn't ready for it. I mean, we are still young . . . and it isn't like I'm going to die. I mean, I know that I could get sick with the cancer again. The doctors have told me as much. However, there's also the chance that I could never get sick with the cancer again. I still have my entire life ahead of me.

I can always ask her what she's ready for. We are going out to dinner tonight. By ourselves. For the first time in at least a month or so. Can't really remember. Anyway, we're going out tonight. I'm excited about that.

Better go get ready. According to Sparky, I still look like death warmed over. I can't really help it, though. Haven't been that hungry. For anything.

I'll be glad when my appetite returns. It's hard watching Mom fix all those yummy meals and not be able to eat as much of them as I could and should.

More later.


	52. Entry 52

Date: 05-09-2010

I had the worst last night.

I really don't want to talk about it.


	53. Entry 53

Date: 05-15-2010

Sorry I haven't written in so long. Ended up back in the hospital for a few days. I somehow ended up overdosing on something . . . can't remember what, though. My nausea pills, I think. I'd have to ask my doctor.

Anyway, I had to be rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. Not a fun thing. Now I don't want anything to eat. But I have to eat. Some of my pills require food in my stomach before I take them.

I hate taking pills.


	54. Entry 54

Date: 05-16-2010

Still feeling rather sick to my stomach. Doctor said I might still have some stomach pains.

Anyway, this new visit to the hospital has brought Rex back home. I hear him downstairs now, talking to Mom and Pops. It's irritating Pops . . . I can hear it in his voice . . . and I don't have it in my heart to tell either of them the truth. I'm sure if they knew, they wouldn't mind him coming around so much but . . . I just can't. He'd know something was up, if I told them about my discoveries.

And it sounds like he's on his way up the stairs now . . . can't let him see this . . .

More later.


	55. Entry 55

Date: 05-17-2010

Bored.

I am so bored right now. My stomach still hurts, can't really eat anything solid . . . and I'm not allowed to overexert myself.

I hate my life.


	56. Entry 56

Date: 05-21-2010

Apparently, I am missed.

I received a card yesterday from some of the people I've raced against . . .

Actually, it was more than just a card. It was a huge flower arrangement with a box of candies and some music. Music from around the world.

The Gackt CD looks interesting . . . so does the . . . well, it says Do As Infinity. Interesting.

Something to occupy my time until my doctor's visit tomorrow. Can't complain about that.

Might as well get started on listening. I may not be able to understand what's being said but I'm not going to complain. At least I know I'm missed and that my friends out there are thinking about me.

Off I go!


	57. Entry 57

Date: 05-22-2010

Love the Gackt CD. How about that? I don't even speak a word of Japanese. I can't even read the writing!

The Do As Infinity CD was good, too. According to the sleeve insert, one of the tracks is from an anime series. I'll have to see if I can't find it.

Anything to occupy my time, now that I've got lots of it.

Doctor's appointment went well. I should be able to start racing. Or at least practicing. Still not allowed to overexert myself but if I can start now, I can race again. Maybe when it's halfway through the next season but it's something to look forward to. I want to start building my strength back up anyway. I hate feeling so weak and frail all the time.

And that sounds like Sparky at the door. Time to get out of the house for a while.

I can't wait.


	58. Entry 58

Date: 06-02-2010

Summer is here!

Not officially, according to the calendar, but it's June. Warmer weather, baseball games . . . going to the beach.

Okay . . . so maybe not racing is going to have _some_ benefits.

Gotta go. Going to the lake. Don't want to miss out on the fun.

More later.


	59. Entry 59

Date: 06-04-2010

I think I've got Sparky and Trixie hooked on some of the music that was sent to me. They want to borrow the CDs that were sent to me.

It's been fun. Trixie really likes Do As Infinity and Sparky likes Gackt.

Which is really weird, if one stops to think about it. I've been to some online Japanese rock communities . . . ones started by American fans . . . most Gackt fans are girls. Do As Infinity has a female vocalist.

Maybe it's the feminist in Trixie. I don't know. I just think it's funny that they want to borrow those CDs.

Maybe I should get them some copies . . . their birthdays are coming up soon.

Oh, the ideas.


	60. Entry 60

Date: 06-10-2010

I keep creating work for myself. Hehe. It feels like I don't ever have any time to write in this. I guess that's life, though.

Not much has happened in the last few days. Did some shopping for birthdays. Had to go online, though. The music stores here don't carry Do As Infinity and Gackt, something I find really strange. Gackt, from what I've discovered online, is quite the popular rock artist and has quite the following here in the U.S. One would think that they'd get his music in, despite how expensive it is.

Oh well. The CDs should be arriving soon.

And I need to get going. I have another appointment. Follow up stuff. Don't know why, though. I've been in remission for a while now. I mean, I've felt sick every now and then over the last few days but nothing too serious. Nothing like how I felt at the beginning of the year. Oh well. What I'll do just humour my mother.

More later.


	61. Entry 61

Date: 06-15-2010

I know I haven't written in a few days. I'm still in a bit of shock.

Apparently, I'm no longer in remission.

My cancer's coming back.


	62. Entry 62

Date: 06-25-2010

That's it. I can't do this. I can't keep drowning myself in self-pity.

So my cancer has come back. I've beaten it once before. I can beat it again. I'm not a quitter, I'm not a loser . . . I'm a winner. I'm a fighter.

I will survive. No matter what, I will survive.

I have to. So much of my life depends on this.

I will survive.


	63. Entry 63

Date: 07-04-2010

Happy Independence Day.

At least this isn't like Valentine's Day. I'm not in the hospital.

By all rights, I should be. I'm having a hard time eating again and I know I need to keep food in me. It's the only way for me to keep my strength up.

I'm not going to be going through chemo this time. The doctor, my parents, and I discussed the options. He feels we've caught it in time to attempt to remove it surgically.

Day after tomorrow I'll be checked into the hospital. Day after that is my surgery.

I'm keeping my hopes up. I don't want to live with this beast. It's hard. Not just on me but everyone around me. They have to _see_ me like this and it isn't fair. Not to them.

This will be over. I swear it. I will beat this.

I will.


	64. Entry 64

Date: 07-05-2010

This is so nerve-wracking.

Surgery is a major decision. We've made it.

So why am I shaking so badly? Is it because I'm scared? I shouldn't be. Not really. The doctor says it's a routine procedure. He's performed many like it.

Maybe I'm just being silly. I don't know.

Tomorrow I check in . . .

Tomorrow, my life changes once more.

I can handle this. I won't be afraid. I won't be.


	65. Entry 65

Date: 07-06-2010

Just a quick entry before I try to get some sleep. I can't have anything in me, not even medications, when they put me under the knife tomorrow. They don't want anything complicating the surgery so no food, no medications. Just water.

That's okay. I'm in the hospital. I'll be all right. I have an angel watching over me.

I just know it.

The surgery will be a success.

Time to shut the light off. I don't want to be exhausted . . . despite the fact I'll be under some sleeping medication.

What a laugh and a half.

I'll write once I'm out of surgery . . . if I can. I'm probably going to be so doped up I won't even be coherent to myself.

Until tomorrow.

Speed

—

_Epilogue_

Racer X closed his eyes as he shut the journal, tears threatening to overwhelm him. Life was far too cruel, in his mind.

Far too cruel.


End file.
